MEMORIES, sad, loss, fear, love and forgiveness.

I am still so sad that I cannot help the tears that well up whenever I remember..

I am sad for the lost opportunity for love and caring and friendship and family
available and waiting one friend about whom I thought I knew as well as most anyone.

We had shared far more than most men ever share with each other.
Thee was mutual respect and admiration and much sharing over a number of years..
But perhaps the most significant fact of his life he did not share until a few months ago.
That he was a father and had denied fatherhood to a son for 27 years.

It saddens me deeply to realize the loss all three suffered because of his fears.
Yes, he had a terrible relationship with his own father.
And maybe not much more with his mother.
Yes, Vietnam really changed him, according to close friends he grew up with and who knew him before and after. He was more suspicious and moody and unpredictable after 'Nam.

But the loss of love that all three might have had is still a tragedy, a great and enormous loss that will still take years to heal. I cannot imagine the loneliness and longing for his father that
his young son went through--to no avail.
And the conflict and anger this boy’s mother must have had to deal with,
from a man she did really love. This deeply saddens me for I really loved my friend.
I hurt for his hurt, the hurt he had and the hurt he caused.

The miracle of all this, and it is really a miracle is the forgiveness that she was
able to discover and express in my friend’s last days.
Opportunity for healing and some healing did take place.

If there is a heaven and if there is an after-life, and if we are indeed judged on the basis of
love, vulnerability and courage, then in my humble opinion,
her forgiveness and willing to travel from her home several timesl
and be with my friend during his last weeks
truly was the healing that saved his soul.

He finally, ultimately accepted that love.
But I must also forgive my friend for his lack of courage, close-mindedness, stubbornness,
pride, and allowing fear and dissembling to rule his life.
He had to live in great fear to cover this up from so many for so long.
Even from several that he know loved him.
(Tho his basic fear did not allow them to be their own person and still love him)

Fear rules his life, something so deep and needy and repressed.
How did it affect him existentially?

My friend was naturally suspicious, very closed and too ready to take offense,
A kind way of saying this is that he had a sensitive soul. But
both his talent and his sensitivity was large. We could almost say that his talent
was too large for the container which did not have basic trust that every person needs. .

In his talent, he is almost the epitome of the misunderstood genius.
He was, in fact, brilliant. And I felt that others were often jealous of this talent,
as his father was. But there was a deep part of him that never felt loved
(as we are sure he never received this from his own father) and therefore could never trust love
to be just for himself. He is a study in contrasts, a study in the human shadow and how it
can influence us in our lives, severely and to the harm of others and loving relationships.

I have some friends, Turner and Barbara Lyman who teach the Love of Miracles philosphy
in my Fiercce Landscape spiritual growth program for addictive offenders at the country
detention center. We choose either fear or love. I am glad we have them to teach this in our program.

Love requires courage. When we choose fear it can dominate our lives. When we choose love, then we keep making ourselves vulnerable to more love, and increase our capacity for love. We do not grow or change in our comfort zones.

Loving is the choise we make every minute of our lives.
When we keep on choosing love, we discover that we are living in
a world of miracles.

My favorite all time hymn (after Amazing Grace)
is How Can I Keep from Singing?
there is one great line
"If love is Lord of heaven and earth,
how can I keep from singing?"
If anyone ever celebrates my life,
let it be with those songs!

I can never be loving enough for
all that I have received.

Paschal, March 17
St. Patrick's day, 2007



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